06 July 2009

Curse you, Lord Cucumber!

It started innocently enough (as most things do), with a cucumber (as most things do not). A lovely, small, dark green, appropriately bumpy, beautiful cucumber. Now, I know that cukes generally give me indigestion, but, was I gonna let that stop me from eating this perfect specimen? Heck no.

I lovingly washed it, sliced it up in gorgeous, not quite circular rounds, loaded it with salt and ate it, making "this is SO yummy" sounds as I did so. I even offered some to Stoney. He had one measly piece, saying something inane like "I like cucumbers, but not how they taste later". I waved him off, and ate my delicacy.

I remember commenting to myself an hour or so later "Hey, no burps! Must be a burpless one! No indigestion from THIS baby!" and smiled to myself thinking how wrong Stoney was, how badly he missed out, but that's okay 'cause that meant more for me.

I went to be early, with a good book that I shall review later, and read till this side of midnight (or maybe that side, who knows really) and settled in for a lovely sleep. I was so proud of myself. Bed early, sleep at a decent time. . . That meant I would be up at a good time and accomplish a LOT of my needs-to-be-done-this-summer list.

But, oh, that cucumber had it's own agenda.

I don't know what time the dreams started, but I awoke around 2 am, in misery from a dream about having severe reflux--the kind that sent me to the hospital a few summers ago. It was a relief to wake up from that painful dream. For about 0.2 seconds until I realized the reason I was dreaming such a dream was that my esophagus was on fire.

Did I say on fire? I wish I could convey how it really felt. You'd have nightmares just READING about it.

"Curse you Lord Cucumber!" I muttered as I stood up. As soon as attained uprighness, I belched. What an understatement. I mean I BEEEEELLLLLLCCCCHED. It was like a baking soda volcano had just let loose. Remember Charlie and Grandpa in Willie Wonka's factory? When they drank that soda pop they shouldn't have? THAT is what it was like!

I walked about ten steps and WOAH, there went another belch. I was rather proud. If I could do that on command, I'd be ever so popular with the middle school crowd.

After that overture, it was a let down not to puke or die or anything, but I just took my reflux med, drank some soy milk, ate 4 generic tums dealies and went back to bed. Stoney had awakened and congratulated me on my belches. Even he was impressed, so you KNOW they were good.

Then, it was time to build Mount Pillow. THE most uncomfortable way to sleep. Next to sleeping flat on my back when reflux is flaming. So, I built the pillow mound, and spent the next few hours fitfully trying to get comfortable.

Result? Once it finally died down, and I was able to climb down from Fluffy Mountain and sleep in the bed like a real person and get some good sleep, it was late. Real late. So, I either sleep right through the alarm or failed to set it last night (anything is possible) and didn't get up until afternoon and had to rush around to accomplish SOMETHING today. And it's all the fault of that little innocent looking cucumber.

I sent the other two with Stoney to his work today. Let those demons find someone else to torture.


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